I want to apologize in advance if this seems to ramble on or if it doesn't make sense....I really hope that this can explain somewhat of who I am and how this shaped my life as a mom......


May 21st, 1993 after 26 hrs and 8 mins of labor at 8:08 a.m. I gave birth to a beautiful bundle of joy..I was 17 yrs old and a senior in high school at North High......All threw my pregnancy I had been told I was having girl, so imagine my surprise when he was born a boy.  I had no girl clothes, I had only one outfit that I had was a boy outfit wasn't even a boys, it was a gender neutral outfit.  So my momma went out and bought me all sorts of stuff plus the church gathered tons of clothes for him....he was born on friday by sunday I needed absolutely nothing......But I struggled being a teenager and a mom, I struggled with being responsible to take care of him.  I was a senior in high school, I had spent my junior year in foster care due to the sexual abuse that I ahd suffered at the hands of my ex stepfather...I also suffered from cultural shock...I had grown up in a little bitty town called Elk City....A shocking population of just under 500...yes you read that right.......My high school was Elk Valley High, the school district Elk Valley had been my home all but 2 yrs....I wasn't popular in school at all infact I was the one who was always bullied, always made fun of...I was a loner....I didn't make great grades but I didn't make poor grades either....There were 13 kids in my class including me...so you can imagine my surprise when my mom applied to Wichita State university to the Nursing program and was accepted, not only that she was accepted, she decided to move to Wichita and accepted....I chose to look at this move as a fresh start for me....My mom came up at the beginning of summer to work, I chose to go live with my grandma and work at the drive in but Grandma is a very difficult person to live with so shortly thereafter I moved up to Wichita with my momma....At first we lived in a house in Bel Aire with lots of roommates......then it was found out that the lady mom was paying rent to was embellezing money and wasn't paying rent...Oh geez so then we all had to move, we then moved over on Volutia,not a very safe neighborhood during this time I also lost my Great-Grandma right before my 16th birthday.....The neighborhood that we lived in on Volutia had us in the Wichita East High school district....Its also where I met my first boyfriend here in Wichita (Jamie Green), I met several different friends, it was also where I finally got the courage to tell the right people about the abuse that was accuring at the hands of my step-father, they asked me about my brothers, I made sure they stayed where they were at but I was placed in to a foster home...I spent all of my junior year in susana wesley girls home...I also went to Heights high...I met several different people there including Shawna Kinsey who quickly became my best friend...We were inseperable all threw my school year..Back when I went to East I had mdet Marty, I had a crush on Marty well somewhere along that he introduced me to Bryan Eugene Scott (his birthday if I remember correctly his birthday is in June......We hit it off but didn't....We messed around, I ran away from the girls home and joined him....Somewhere along the way I got drunk....I spent a week with Shawna..I had suspected I was pregnant durning this time.......I never did test, just suspected it.....I finally decided that I needed to go home...I met with my Aunt and made arrangements to meet with the police to take me back to the girls home but my social worker decided I could go home instead...So home I went.  I was home several weeks before I found out I had a yeast infection, one night while I was actually treating that said yeast infection my mom asked me when my last period was....I knew when it had been, it was while I had been in Colorado durning my birthday week...over the next few days I met with several people and scheduled an appt to go to the pregnancy crisis center....I got the answer I knew was coming, I was indeed pregnant....I was due in May.....By this time it was october....I had been back to court, was placed back in my mom's custody (she had divorced by then) I went into the pregnancy knewing that I would never give this baby up for adoption.  I also went and told Bryan I was pregnant....He said oh it can't be a girl, I don't make girls...I was also continuing on with my senior year, I was only going a half day as I had that many credits, that little work..I had my first scare at about 10 weeks when I started bleeding, I was babysitting my brothers and cousins, my mom and Aunt was out at the bar drinking and I thought I was dying.....Luckily I wasn't but I had made up my mind that I was keeping him....We moved right after christmas to a bigger house....Sometime around spring break I received a letter from a couple whom my Aunt had toldthem about me......They offered to adopt my child...I really did consider the couple to adopt him (at the time it was still a her) during this time I had had several u/s and they all said that he was a girl....Everything I bought was for a girl, all things pointed to a girl....A week before I was induced to have him, my mom's boyfriend, convinced me that I should really pick out a boy's name...I told him he was nuts, the ultrasounds had all said it was a girl...Tim says please just to please me pick out a boy's name......So I reluctantly gave in and said the first name that popped into my head which happened to be an old high school friend of mine to just satisfy him, little did I know I would actually be using that name just a short time later....That following sunday I took a shower, got out of the shower and a trickle went down my leg....My mom rushed home and took me in (I thought my water had broken) According to them it hadn't.......So I went threw the motions of school the following week.....I was so miserable and uncomfortable but who isn't the week before their due date their due date.....Sitting with mom playing acey ducy I had a hell of a contraction but then it went away...So I shrugged it off and mom told me to go lay down and take a nap, relax a bit.....I did but nothing happened or at least I thought nothing had happened......Monday rolls around, I'm finishing up my finals as well as mom is finishing up hers (she was graduating nursing school)That Sunday I relaxed but couldn't get comfortable....Monday I had school, tuesday again the same thing......Wednesday I had my drs appt and an u/s..During that u/s it was noted that I had no water....which was the cause of his slower movements, they checked me I was dialated a one and I was sent home....Again they checked the money shot and he was a she!! I get home, take a nap and get up to cook supper and help mom with the boys when I get a phone call saying that they were inducing me in the morning...Finally an end in sight.....but that's where the problems began....Mom had to be in school in the morning so I called my parenting coach and she took me and dropped me off, that was thursday morning..I get there, get hooked up and I'm contracting...I couldn't feel it nor were they causing much change...they were just making me uncomfortable.....So up comes the pitocin and I'm on it for hourse upon hours....Finally around 1 I caved in and asked for the epi....Relief was instantaniously thou I wish I could say it lasted but it didn't, they came back in and tried to adjust it, gave me a bolus they also tried to give me a shot to help, nothing worked.....Around midnight I was a 7...And mom needed to go home and get some rest as she had finals again the next day.....She told me that she was just a phone call away that she was going to go home and get some sleep and check on the boys and be back in about 2 hrs..They came back in and checked me and I was still at a 7, they wanted to discuss c/s..I went off on them and told them they were nuts....they went out to call my mom (I was still techinally a minor) I was on the phone calling mom..I told her that they were wanting to do a c/s but I didn't wnat it..She said I'm on my way.....Right as she said that the hospital called in and my mom said look, she is old enough to get pg, she is old enough to make a decision about having a c/s....So she got up there and by that time which was around 5, I was at an 8...By 6:30 I ws complete...So off to the delivery room we go.....I'm in there and at first I can't get the hang of pushing...then I got it....OMG, it felt so good to push but that crazy nurse said oh no hold it, I need a dr in here......So she calls a dr in, I pushed for him........He says oh no you have a bit before you are going to deliver....And left the room, the nurse called him back in with the same results and then again she called him back and this time, he said look she has a cone head..don't call me, I will call you....So my mom who was still holding my hand, started moving down into place and the nurse was no the phone to the supervisor when Renee walked in...Renee had stopped my preterm labor and I loved her.....I have never seen such a look of relief come over my mom's face, the nurse slammed down the phone..Renee says I hear we have a conehead, mom says oh no we don't.....She says go ahead and push for me.....she had one glove on, his head popped completely out.....She is yelling at me to quit pushing (my body is doing what it wants) so the nurse helps her get the other glove on and out comes the rest of his body.....They were not ready for him....I didn't hear him cry until he was approx 5 mins old, the look on their faces, my mom was crying......Renee was still working on me..I kept asking what was wrong......No one wanted to say anything....his apgars were 3 at 1 min......They eventually got him stable enough for me to get a look at him and off to the nursery he went and I went to recovery, eventually he was brought to me in recovery....After the tramatic birth, he did develope wet lung (I thik its a mild name for pneumonia..I was released on saturday, he was released before church on sunday.....I stayed home til I was 18 but things had changed between mom and I years...We fought constantly, couldn't get along and then we got evicted from our house and she wouldn't even help me find a place, she didn't care where Clayton and I went so I left and went back to Independance......We left when he was not quite 3 mths old...I was young and immature....I met Kenny when I got here...I thought I was in love....Kenny had a past, one that no one would be proud of.....But I knew him, he wouldn't do anything that he had been accused of.......I also had no place to stay so I went to SRS and asked for help to find a place.....So because I asked for help, they wanted to come in to my home and check my house once a week.....I never had Clayton there.....On November 8th, they showed up and took custody of him, he was 5 mths old...I got to visit him for awhile and then I made some bad choices and ended up in jail for my step-sister's mistakes and spent several weeks in jail.....And when I got out they had made the decision to sever my rights and have someone else adopt him......For awhile, my mom and step-dad wanted to but then they ran out of money....Then my Aunt had offer but her letter never made it to me.....I finally gave up the fight....They won...I lost my son shortly before he was 2......I did all the parenting classes that they asked of me and then some, I moved to a safer place, I had done everything but then I took the rap for my sister and went to jail for over 2 wks....I never got to see him, I never got to hold him...My family was broken hearted, my life destroyed....My little boy was gone.......I have spent the last 17 yrs trying to find him and to correct a wrong doing...I had held out hope that once he turned 18, that I would find him......that has not been the case.....So many of you have asked why he doesn't live with me so here are a few as I remember them.....I do mean its been 17 years since I held my boy to my bossom....to whisper that I love him in his ear....To tell him that he was wanted....So every year on his birthday, I go out under the stars and tell them to please keep an eye on my son and keep him safe til he can meet me.....I also ask the angels that have passed on that knew him to keep him safe......This year I asked that of my ex, Kenny, my grandmother who did some things I don't appricate but this is one way she can help make it up to me, to my step-dad J.d. to my Dad Bob and several other people who are up there....